This excerpt comes from The Pearls Of Love and Logic For Parents And Teachers by Jim Fay and Foster W. Cline, M.D.

My Child, The Winner

The greatest gift we can give children is the knowledge that they can first rely on themselves for the answers to their problems.  A child who develops an attitude that says, “I can probably find my own solutions, and if not, adults will be willing to give me some advice,” becomes a survivor.  This child usually has the edge in learning, relating to others, and making his or her way in the world.

          People often ask how they can support their children to ensure they excel.  This often means, “What can I do to make sure my child gets ahead or is a winner?”  Sometimes it means, “What can I do to help my child be successful, feel secure, and lead a happy life?”  It doesn’t matter which question is asked.  The answer is the same. 

          The foundation for success lies in the belief that the best solution to any problem comes from within. Then if you don’t find the answers, ask for advice from others.

          Parents and teachers can help children develop this attitude by being understanding and sympathetic each time a   child has a problem.  This can be expressed in a variety of ways such as, “I bet that really bothers you,” or “Wow!  I bet that makes you feel mad,” or “If that happened to me, I would really feel…”

          These types of statements usually bring about some kind of response that conveys that the child is relieved that we understand.  As soon as we see that response, it is time to ask one of the most important questions children ever hear. “What do you think you are going to do about it?”  This is a powerful statement because it implies that we know the child is capable of doing his or her own thinking.  

          This question is often answered by, “I don’t know.”  This is a good time to offer some different kinds of solutions.  We discuss the possible consequences with the youngster and then allow the child to choose the solution he/she likes best, even if it means that the child decides not to solve his/her problem. 

          Children have too few opportunities to learn about and practice for the real world.  These opportunities present themselves most often as problems to solve or decisions to make.  Each time I move into the situation, solve the problem, or rescue the child, I have stolen one of the child’s growth experiences.  He or she is now less prepared to face the real world than if I had been there with understanding and the question, “What are you going to do about it?”

STEPS

1.  Show understanding.
2.   Ask, “How are you going to solve the problem?”
3. Share some choices.
4.   Help him/her look at the consequences.
5. Give the child permission to solve it or not solve it. 

This excerpt comes from The Pearls Of Love and Logic For Parents And Teachers by Jim Fay and Foster W. Cline, M.D.
 

A Computer with a Lifetime Guarantee

        Barry Neil Kauffman, one of our leading psychologists, says, “The way to change a person’s behavior is to first change the way he sees the world.”  He tells us that people do the very best they can considering the way they see themselves and the way they see the world. 

          Other leading psychologists tell us the same thing in another way.  They say our behavior is controlled by our self-concept.  They say to change our behavior, we must first change our self-concept.  Self-concept is a very important part of our lives.  Its discovery is one of the great breakthroughs in psychology.  Dennis Waitley describes the importance of self-concept when he discusses two levels of the mind, the conscious and the subconscious.  The conscious level works much like a judge, collecting and evaluating information. 

          The subconscious level functions much like a computer.  It stores information and makes it available at a later date.  The subconscious never attempts to sort out fact from fiction or truth from misperception.  When information flows from the subconscious, it comes forth as fact.  Therefore, all our misperceptions, eventually become truth and are treated as fact by the conscious level of the mind. 

          Children work very hard at trying to understand their parents as well as their environment.  They are great observers, but horrible interpreters.  This is understandable considering their immature brains and limited experience.  The sad part is when we become adults and look back, all of our perceptions, both accurate and inaccurate, become our reality.

          A child who has a misperception that his parents prefer his brother does not grow up to say to his parents, “When I was young I thought you loved my brother more than you loved me.”  He grows up to say, “You always liked my brother more than you liked me!”  What was once his mistaken idea has now become his truth. 

          A child is constantly observing, interpreting, and storing information in the subconscious.  These billions of thoughts and experiences later become the truth that runs and directs his or her life.  The challenge is to help a child interpret what he or she sees and hears in ways that can be used later as proof that he or she is capable, lovable, and responsible. 

          I often wonder what mistaken beliefs and interpretations have been stored in the subconscious minds of youngsters who constantly make poor decisions, involve themselves in self-destructive behaviors, or turn off learning.  It makes me wonder how many of these people have misinterpreted their parents’ love in the following ways:

1.  Some parents show love by hovering over and rescuing their child from the harsh world.  This is often interpreted by the child as, “My parents know that I could never handle this world without help.”  I am not capable.
2. Some parents show love through control.  These parents constantly tell children how to lead their lives.  This is often interpreted as, “My parents know that I am not capable of thinking for myself or being responsible.”  I am not capable. 
3. Some parents show love by always being available with advice.  They allow their children to make many of their own decisions.  This is often interpreted as, “My parents know that I can think for myself!”  These children grow up to believe that somewhere within themselves is a computer with a lifetime guarantee. 

My gift to you:

You are lovable, capable, responsible. 

This excerpt comes from The Pearls Of Love and Logic For Parents And Teachers by Jim Fay and Foster W. Cline, M.D.
 

Anger vs. Empathy

     I feel sad for children who are so controlled that they seldom make mistakes.  They are the disadvantaged ones.  The children who make poor choices from time to time are the ones who get to learn more about the real world and how it works. 

       Most of us can look back and see that many of the important lessons we learned were a result of the mistakes we made.  The lessons learned best were those in which our parents allowed us to suffer the consequences of our mistakes.  These were the times when our parents used more actions than words. 

       Example:  Jennifer often forgets to take her homework to school.  She calls home to ask her mother to bring the assignments to school, saying, “Gee, Mom, you don’t want me to get a bad grade do you?” 

       Jennifer’s loving mother takes the homework to school, usually with a reprimand:  “How many times have I told you that I’m not going to bring this to you anymore?”  This mother is giving Jennifer “forgetting lessons” by rescuing her.  She is using meaningless words and not actions.  Her anger is teaching Jennifer that Mom will get angry, but it is not teaching Jennifer to remember her homework.

       Let’s suppose that Mom changes her approach to this problem and allows the natural consequences to fall.  She will be understanding when Jennifer calls and asks her to bring her homework to school.  Her answer will be, “I’m sorry, Jennifer, but I’m not available to do that for you.”  She will use as few words as possible because she knows that children often use our words against us.  Jennifer will probably try arguing, “Now I’m going to get a bad grade and it’s all your fault!”

       Mom knows that the best way to argue with a child is not to argue.  “That may be true.  I’m sorry you forgot your homework.  I’ll see you when you get home.  “Have the best day possible under the circumstances.” 

       Mom’s action in this case will provide “remembering lessons.”  The words she used tell what she will do and how sorry she feels for Jennifer.  This mother is using empathy and understanding instead of anger and lectures. 

       Mistakes or Opportunities?

       Our children frequently make mistakes that hurt them.  As parents, we have two possible ways of reacting when this happens.  One is to use anger and lectures.  The other is to use understanding or empathy.  Each of these reactions does its own special job of teaching. 

       It is easy for us to see which is the best.  However, it is important to remember that sometimes our grandparents, parents, or teachers taught us through their actions to use anger. 

       If we saw and heard anger as a child, our hardest job in parenting is overcoming this influence. 

       Those who are best at this plan ahead.  They know that it is difficult to change in the “heat of battle” or when feelings are at a high pitch.  Practice and rehearse new actions during quiet times so you can come across in new and surprising ways to your youngster.  It’s fun to be the one who is in control.

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ANGER teaches children to look at the adult’s anger.

EMPATHY teaches children to look at their lives and decisions.